His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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