That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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