Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
