She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
