So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
