dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
