I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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