It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
