I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
