So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
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I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
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I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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