Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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