i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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