guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
