i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
