The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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