I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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