is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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