They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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