I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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