im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
