I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges