I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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