I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
