I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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