Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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