someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
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He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
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