i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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