You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
