the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
