my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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