From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
She told me I should be a condom model.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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