She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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