he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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