and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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