my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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