I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
