Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Randomize
