I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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