it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Randomize
