my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Randomize
