ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
