So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
