So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
