So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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