eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Randomize
