I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
