So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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