I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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