i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
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Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
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That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
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