I'm so fucking centered right now
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
