I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
