Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
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I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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